kurt beckman
My life changed in 1995. Prior to that year I felt like my life was going nowhere, I had been in a rut for a long time. I guess it started back in high school when I remember feeling like life was just too painful. I thought that if I could harden my heart and not care anymore, then maybe I could cope with life. So I made a conscious decision to harden myself. From there life seemed easier for a time. The less I cared, the less I got hurt or disappointed. But I also started to lose my sense of right and wrong and my life began to go down a dark path. I made a lot of bad choices and did a lot of things that were detrimental to myself as well as others that I cared about. Consequently I didn't like the person I had become.
I wanted to change but always found myself right back in the same old place. It was around this time that one of my best friends John, became a Christian. At the time I thought it was kind of strange. He would invite me to his church, but I was so caught up in the wrong lifestyle that I had no interest in church. Eventually I took him up on the invitation and attended his church a couple of times. Immediately I was drawn to the people there. They had a light in their eyes and a peace and a joy that I had never seen before. I found myself wanting that peace and joy too, but I didn’t want to let go of my old life. I ignored my friend’s invitations to come back to church and returned to my old lifestyle. He continued to pray for me and left my fate in God’s hands.
Then one day I was walking through the airport when a hand reached out to me and in it was a bible. I never had been interested in reading the bible before, but this time it was different. I was desperate and my heart was ready. As I began looking through it I felt God's presence, really felt His presence for the first time.
I really began to call out to God, but still struggled with a hard heart. Then one night I went back to the church on my own. I sat down to listen to the message and started thinking, “This is a waste of time, I’m going to leave.” As I began to get up, the pastor said something that hit me hard...
"If you continue to ignore God and go your own way your conscience will become seared and then you may as well forget it, it’s too late for you.”
They were such strong words, but God knew I needed to hear them. I drove home that night trembling, realizing that it was me he was talking about. I had ignored God for too long. Suddenly I was scared. I told Him I didn’t want to be this way anymore, that I wanted to have a conscience.
Some time went by and I continued to call out to God. I knew He was working on my heart. Then one day the phone rang. It was my friend John again. He had been asked to put together a band for an upcoming church service and was wondering if I would come and play guitar. Since I hadn’t played for a few months I was excited for the opportunity. I took him up on the offer and I am so glad I did. God really used that experience and the music to draw me to Himself.
When I met the guys in the church band I realized they were people just like me-musicians that I could relate to. The only difference was they had a peace and a joy that I longed for. At the end of the weekend John explained how I could pray to receive Jesus into my heart. I said, "Well if I am going to become a Christian, I'd better go clean up my act first." But he told me how God would accept me just as I am and I don't need to change, God would do the changing for me. I had never heard that before. I was so relieved because I knew I couldn't change on my own. I had tried so many times and failed. So I prayed with John and asked Jesus into my heart. I drove home that night knowing that my life would never be the same again. I had a conscience, I cared again, and I had peace.
The rest of my story with God has been part of an incredible adventure. I now am married, have a little girl and a baby boy, and we are following the Lord with all our hearts. I never thought I’d get married, let alone have children, and these are now some of the greatest joys of my life.
God has dramatically changed my wife’s life too. She has a powerful testimony she shares often. We are amazed and delighted that God has used both of us countless times to share the gospel with our friends, co-workers and even our family members. Seeing people’s lives change the same way ours have has been an incredible witness and reminder to me of the impact Jesus Christ can have on a life. Since I asked Jesus into my life it has been an incredible journey. Every year I look back in amazement at all He has done. But it also calls for sacrifice. To fully experience Gods plan for my life I've had to be willing to follow Him. Sometimes it requires giving something up, and it can be hard. But it's never regretful. His plan is always better than any I could dream up on my own.